Software engineering humor

Courtesy of Rachna. I liked the quiz best.


*Car Trouble*

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."


-------------------

*Quiz*


*1) What quality do you value most in
your partner? *

a) A sense of humor

b) Emotional maturity.

c) High bandwidth.

*2) When you get home at the end of the
day, you like to:*

a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.

b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.

c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change
batteries on
your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and home computer.


*3) Your ideal partner is:
*

a) Interesting and attractive.

b) Emotionally mature and understanding.

c) Extensible and polymorphic.

*4) In spiritually difficult times, you
often turn to: *

a) Dilbert

b) Kernighan and Ritchie

c) comp.lang.c++

*5) If go over to your partner's place
and think it's a mess, you would: *

a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.

b) Call a maid service.

c) Make clean

*6) What kind of car would you like to
buy next, and why? *

a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.

b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.

c) A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for
more horsepower.


*7) Name the 4 essential food groups:
*

a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.

b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.

c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate


*8) You like to travel with your partner
because: *

a) You share new experiences together.

b) You learn about each other in different situations.

c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.

*9) You think a relationship is ready
for a permanent commitment because: *

a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and
bad times.


b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.

c) You finally got your local network configured just right.

*10) If you and your partner got married,
you would want to: *

a) Keep your last name.

b) Change your last name.

c) Combine your names with a hyphen.

d) Combine your names with an underscore.

*11) You and your partner think it's
time to have children when: *

a) Your stock options are vested.

b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.

c) You've come up with a good naming convention.

d) You really understand the use of multiple inheritance.

------------------------

*Airplane*

At a recent real-time Java conference, the participants were
given an awkward question to answer:


"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software,
how many of you would disembark immediately?"


Among the forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi
as far as the runway, let alone take off.


---------------------------

*Software Upgrades*

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had
to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion
and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're
praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer
virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that
specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we
had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you,
it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major
changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of
testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs
while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers
are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll
need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed
base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but
it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well
call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic
features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab
who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the
changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute
demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark
little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they
wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning
but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck
or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I
can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if
no one loses them.

My uchi weighs a ton.

(Bonus points if you translated that correctly to, "My house weighs a pork." More bonus points if you got the Public Enemy reference.)

Hey, it's good to be back! Things have been mad busy. I know I say that a lot around here, but a lot has happened since Tim dropped that fly ball:

• Japanese class is in full swing and is kicking our butts. We are doing well in the class but it's five hours a week of class, not counting homework and studying. On Wednesdays we also have allergy shots, so coming home from work, getting shots, and going to class (and trying to eat somewhere in there too) is a serious challenge.
  
  
• Rhonda and I turned the house upside down in late August and early September and we got it cleaner than it has been since the day we moved in. There were still a couple of boxes in the kitchen with our collectibles (aka anime crap) in them and they have been unpacked. The Evangelion shrine is in full effect now. We had to get everything cleaned up because...
  
  
• I turned 30! We had a little party and watched Cal beat the stuffing out of Minnesota. I'd like to thank everyone who came from all over to welcome me into my fourth decade, and those who wanted to make it but couldn't.
  
  
• That was quickly followed up by our second wedding anniversary. It was also our second anniversary spent in the East Bay (yes, I know, very exciting, but this is what you get when you have a mortgage to pay). We drove up to Berkeley for the Cal/Portland State game, then drove over to Emeryville, where we stayed at the Woodfin Suites Hotel and had a nice view of the bay and the Bay Bridge. We found out Willie Mays' SkyBox Lounge was just over in the Public Market building where Kimball's East used to be, and we walked over there and had dinner. Sunday, I surprised Rhonda by taking her to the Scharffen Berger chocolate factory, where they give a free tour with free samples of their chocolate. (She loved it, although I created a monster and now she is a full-fledged chocolate connoisseur/snob.) After that, we walked through Berkeley's new 4th Street shopping area, which is a little like Santana Row but not as pretentious. By then, we were thoroughly exhausted from two days of walking and were glad to get home and sleep.
  
  
• Another Cal game last Saturday (a whoopin' of ASU), followed by Adia's birthday party on Sunday. I hear Ms. (Mrs.?) Potato Head was a big hit.
  
  
• Giants game tomorrow, Rhonda has some teacher stuff to take care of Saturday morning (in Capitola!), bookended by another Giants game Sunday. Possibly Barry Bonds's last game in a Giants uniform (but possibly not). Either way, hopefully the Giants can ruin the Dodgers' year and make sure they're at home watching the playoffs like the rest of us.
  

So yeah, it's been tough to catch a breather. We haven't even been able to do simple things like grocery shop or go to the gym. But it looks like slowly, but surely, things are slowing down some. So look for some changes on this blog, and hopefully, more regular posts. Until then, sayonara and oyasuminasai.

Make a play, meat!

I was watching the Giants game tonight and one of the D-backs players ht a foul ball down the right field line. Pretty uneventful, except one of the fans tried to make the play by reaching out for the ball. Instead, he got a glove full of air as the ball landed in the glove of the guy behind him.

I said, "Holy $&!*, that looks like Tim!"

And it was.

So our friend Tim, who we met through Marv via Verizon, came up empty trying to make the play. It was pretty funny, not only because we know him, but because he held the pose for so long befor realizing his glove was empty. Giants announcers Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper had a good laugh at Tim's expense, although they did note he brought his glove to the game (probably saving him from "elimination") and that he high-fived the fan who actually made the catch. The play was entertaining enough that they showed a replay of the play in the next inning, and they talked about it for several minutes.

Kruk: That guy's a gamer...I want to party with *that* guy.
Kuip: In my opinion, I don't think that's the first time that's happened to him!

I tried to stream the video from my Motorola DCT6412 DVR from Comcast (aka the "Suckmaster 2000") but it wouldn't work (because of DRM, arghhh), so you'll have to settle for these lovely stills taken off my mammoth TV. Luckily tonight's game was in high-def.

Good times...

More Japanese TV foolishness.

Rhonda found these videos on YouTube of HYDE and Ken from L'arc~en~Ciel on Matthew's Big Hit TV (which you may recognize from Lost in Translation). We even found them subtitled. They are hilarious.

(The highlights are the last three videos. They are in a competition for fugu sashimi, and the last couple of games are comedy gold. In particular, the outcome of the washtub game and Hyde's first attempt at the last game.)

Oh yeah...

I forgot, I finished Moneyball last weekend and I really enjoyed it. The timing of reading this now (it chronicles the 2002 season for the Oakland A's) is interesting, because many of Billy Beane's draft picks are now in the bigs. (Such as Nick Swisher and Jeremy Bonderman. That Bonderman trade didn't work out too well for Oakland.)

Being both a fan of baseball and a math nerd, it's fascinating to see the two collide. Weaned on baseball conventional wisdom, some of the theories are hard to swallow. While not stealing bases and not bunting work in the American League, where you have nine batters in the lineup, I'm not sure they translate as well to the National League, where the pitchers hit. (The teams using the "sabremetric" approach are all in the AL - Oakland, Toronto, and Boston. Worked out pretty well for Boston in 2004.) If the pitcher is up with a runner at first, I would think the statistical likelihood of an unproductive out (pop-up, strikeout, or, worse, double play) is much higher than that of a hit, so a sacrifice bunt is the right call.

Also, sacrifice bunting reduces the expected number of runs your team will score. But in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game, you only need one run to win. Sacrificing the runner means you only have about a fifty percent chance of getting the run home from second with one out. But even a very good hitter (.350 average) is going to get a hit, making getting a run likely, only 35% of the time. 65% of the time, the runner will advance to second anyway, have to stay at first, or get wiped out completely on a double play. I think you bunt there too, especially if you have a weak hitter up there.

Still, it makes for good conversation and a fun read. The chapter where Billy is making trades at the deadline is amazing. But I'd stop short of calling him a genius. Visionary, yes; but not genius. The A's are highly successful, especially given their pitiful payroll, but that's mostly because 29 of the 32 teams are still doing things old-school. If the other teams changed their scouting and the way they evaluate players, it would be harder for Billy to snatch up players that fit his mold. Boston won because they had the right makeup of talent statistically, but they also went out and got the best players. Oakland can't even afford to retain the players they have, much less get the best ones for their system. If everyone wanted players like Kevin Youkilis, instead of just Oakland and Boston, Oakland wouldn't be able to afford him.

The Moneyball system allows them to compete over a 162-game schedule because the sample size of a baseball season is huge. I don't think such a system would be viable in a sport like football, which has a much shorter season. It's possible the A's lose in the playoffs (5 and 7 game series) because their teams are, metaphorically speaking, built for a marathon and not a sprint. The sample size is much smaller, and formulas meant to project long-term performance might not be effective in short series.

Bottom line, good read. I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I finish a book, or when I complete a video game. Notice how you never feel that way when you watch TV?